UFC 126: The Biggest Winners (Special Steven Seagal Edition)

Posted: February 7, 2011 in Biggest Winners/Biggest Losers, Commentary/Opinion
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S-Cla$$ is known for two things: giving credit when credit is due; and insincere compliments. UFC 126 was a little up and down in terms of excitement, but some spectacular moments certainly made up for it. Let’s see what/who he determined to be the night’s Biggest Winners.

Jon Jones: There’s no question who the night’s biggest winner was. Jon Jones advanced his reputation as a monster in the LHW division by easily defeating Ryan Bader, who other than Jones is the brightest up and coming star at 205. Then having Joe Rogan announce that Bones will be next in line for a shot at Shogun Rua is a crazy way to end the night. By the way, remember when Rua was Jones’ age (23)? He was busy derailing guys like Rampage, Rogerio, Overeem and Arona. Does that type of dominance sound familiar?

Steven Seagal: That pudgy, self-important, egomaniac Steven Seagal took center stage like he owned the fucking place. He claimed to have taught Anderson Silva that front kick…and Silva backed up that claim! WHAT? OK, I’m no martial artist, but I know this—the front kick is the most basic kick in the history of mankind. Sure it takes the skill of The Spider to perform it like he did, but let’s be real…Hulk Hogan was delivering the ol’ boot-to-the-face in 1984. I seriously doubt Silva needed the star of Under Siege and Hard to Kill to “teach” him that move. For fooling the entire MMA world into making us think you’re relevant, you sir are one of the biggest winners.

Chuck Norris and all other movie stars looking for a new gig: How devastating would Brock Lesnar be if he was to learn Norris’ dreaded Roundhouse Kick to the Face? Seagal’s unfortunate destruction of all the credibility gained by MMA in the last 15 years, has opened the door for several other “consultant” roles: like Kiefer Sutherland (24) being able to advise the CIA on matters of national security; Mark Wahlberg (The Fighter) helping Manny Pacquiao become a real fighter; and Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) teaching David Blaine how to pull a rabbit from his hat. Really, how awesome would Brock be??

Yellow Sunglasses: Steven Seagal is perhaps the most influential fashion icon of the 18th, 19th, 20th and 21st centuries. He has given us many valuable things to consider when picking out our wardrobes including the slicked back pony tail, the all-the-way buttoned-up (and untucked) oversized shirt, the monk-like smock, the long leather trench coat (with plenty of storage space for automatic weapons), the mandarin collar shirt, and the armadillo skin boots to name a few. Now he has single-handedly made yellow wrap-around shooting goggles en vogue. And for that, Mr. Seagal, I—and the entire fashion industry—thank you.

Karate: Anything Steven Seagal says, turns to gold. In his interview with Ariel Helwani, Seagal had the audacity to mention “Karate.” He didn’t pronounce it like you or I would pronounce it—Kuh-RAH-tee. Instead he put a pompous spin on the centuries old word and barfed it out as KAH-RAH-TAY (add a roll of the tongue on the 2nd syllable for full effect). Yes, Seagal apparently considers himself some type of monk or sage or something pulling out that pronunciation straight from a Bruce Lee movie. Either way, today karate schools across the country are forever indebted to him for mentioning their discipline on tv. I’m sure he is already responsible for more karate dojo enrollees than Ralph Macchio.

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  2. […] my thoughts on Steven Seagal’s journey from B-list action star to MMA “master” have been well established. I was baffled by his nonsensical ramblings last time he showed his pudgy face following the […]

  3. […] UFC 126: The Biggest Winners (Steven Seagal Edition) […]

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  6. […] See, the portly mastermind of ‘many deadly moves’ doesn’t quite get that he’s the punch line in our running gag. Every time I see him at an event, I pray to the gods of everything right in the […]

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