TOP 5: We make five bad Christmas Movies better with UFC-flavored casting

Posted: December 19, 2012 in Commentary/Opinion, Top 10
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wandyclausChristmas is a time of giving…and receiving…and sharing…and terrible movies. Unfortunately we can’t do anything about the quality of movies, since it’s Christmas and all. Or can we? Here are five Christmas-based movies that trust me, could be a lot better. Some of them are so bad; they seem to be beyond repair. But give me a old-fashioned typewriter and a gallon of “white out” and I think I can improve them.

Home Alone. One of the classics. You know the story…a small child is left behind by his family, only to have to fend for himself when two intruders label his house an easy target. Simple enough plot, but in my eyes, that movie was too damn long. Sure, it’s full of hijinks and clever booby traps, but c’mon…get to the point, right? Here’s how I would re-write the screenplay.

Little Kevin is “inadvertently” left at home while his entire family vacations in Maui. Two second-rate burglars find out an 8-year old is all by himself and decide to steal all the good stuff in the suburban fortress. But plans change when they spy young Kevin, played by Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva, walking to the grocery store to buy dental floss. The two flunkies aren’t stupid. The second they get a glimpse of the “little” guy, they turn their attention to the wheelchair-bound widow next door. Long story short, the bandits made over $350 on eBay selling that old bag’s hand-made afghans and Precious Moments collection and Kevin was none the wiser. End o’ story.

Jingle All the Way. Remember this Arnold Schwarzenegger nightmare where he tries to find his spoiled-ass son a Turbo Man dolly for Xmas so he doesn’t throw a tantrum? Remember the scene where Arnold physically assaulted two skinny store clerks by grabbing them by the lapels and threatened bodily harm on both of them unless they delivered a Turbo Man pronto?

What if one of those little guys was Demetrious Johnson? In my dreams I think Mighty Mouse would start jumping all around like a fucking spider monkey and deliver about 13 vicious headkicks before Ahnold was able to realize he crapped his pants in public. MM would do some back flips just to satisfy the gathering crowd of course. Finally, a double flying knee would end the Governator’s need for a Turbo Man doll, as his attention would be turned to re-learning how to chew his own food. Hasta la vista THAT, bitch!

HOMEALONESilent Night, Deadly Night. A Christmas horror film? OK. Here’s the plot. A young boy witnesses his parents get murdered on Christmas—by a lunatic in a Santa suit no less. Because he is weak-minded, little Billy is mentally disturbed by this for the rest of his life and allows people to abuse him physically inside the orphanage he’s forced to live in. All this nonsense comes to a head and Billy starts murdering people too.

My version of the story goes something like this. The child sees a crazy Santa approach his parents one Christmas morning. Right about the time the murderous Kris Kringle lunges at the duo, Billy, played by Wanderlei Silva, methodically clasps his fingers and loosens up his wrists with a figure-eight movement just before the onslaught begins. About 3 minutes later, all that’s left of the lunatic is a pile of bleeding, lifeless blubber. The movie is over, the family is intact and we are all saved the pain of 4 sequels in this terrible slasher series.

Love Actually. This is quite simply one of the worst Christmas movies I’ve ever been forced to watch. For some reason, this goddamn thing has become a huge holiday tradition. I’m hoping, for the sake of humankind, that it’s one of those cult fascinations like Rocky Horror Picture Show or something, because this thing sucks ass. The most ridiculous scene is when some corny dude tries to express his undying love to his best friend’s new wife (WTF?)—played by the hawwwwt Keira Knightly—by using cue cards like he’s in an INXS or Bob Dylan video. LAME!

Here’s where I’d like to imagine Mark Hunt as Keira’s husband sitting inside. Maybe when the dorky “best” friend drops one of the cue cards, it makes a noise and brings Hunto to the front door to discover the unsavory act being committed on him. That’s when his face turns all crazy and red as he drops a single sick overhand right onto the MFer who dared to cross him. Naturally, Hunt would turn and walk away just as the little prick fell to the ground face-first into the snow.

Trapped in Paradise. Noted thespian, Nick Cage, is surprised that his two troubled brothers have just been paroled from prison in this 1-star Xmas “adventure.” The three idiots try to pull off a big heist but find themselves stuck in an overly friendly small town which has them second-guessing their choices in life. This movie really sucked. In fact, I wish I’d never seen it. Let’s re-write it shall we?

In my movie, the two brothers who get paroled are played by Nick and Nate Diaz. Neither of them can stand Nick Cage because he’s a bore and a terrible actor, so they don’t call on him at all and we never even see him in the movie. Instead the pair decide to dedicate their newfound freedom to two things—Gracie jiu jitsu and weed. They divide the rest of their days up in 3 equal parts—8 hours of training, 8 hours of smoking and 8 hours of eating at Red Lobster in Stockton. Who wouldn’t watch that movie?


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