Step-by-Step Guide: How to get Cut from the UFC

Posted: February 21, 2013 in Commentary/Opinion, Latest news

volkmannQuestion: How do you get cut from the UFC after going 6-2 over the last three years? Well, it’s not easy, but I’ll tell you how to do it.

First, your fighting style should be what some people refer to as mind-numbing. Going to a tedious decision every time out will certainly help you achieve your goal. But it’s just not enough all by itself.

In addition to being boring as hell, you should also alienate everyone with ridiculous and confusing post-fight speeches. The best approach here is to take a subject matter that is already doomed to fail from the beginning—like politics. Perfect subject for two reasons (if you wanna get cut)—1) because you’re guaranteed to have 50% of the people in attendance dislike you for it. 2) Because—like the fight you probably just eked out—it’s about as exciting as sitting home alone on Saturday night to catch up on all those Dowton Abbey RedBox DVDs that have been piling up.

Now just in case you aren’t absolutely certain you’ll get fired for the above malfeasances, sprinkle in a few puzzling “jokes” that make no sense to anyone listening—nor are they funny in any way. We’re talking about jokes that might have been eliminated from a Margaret Cho routine. That’s how shitty the jokes need to be.

Finally, your delivery for this horrible speech should make everyone watching feel uncomfortable due to your awkwardness. In case you don’t know how socially awkward you’re suppose to sound, I’ve included a video for you. Remember, this video is a starting point–you should ramp this level of awk-sauce up to 10 before you actually grab the microphone.

So there you have it. That’s how you get fired from the UFC after winning 6 of 8 fights. Man, I just wrote this whiole article without even mentioning Jacob Volkmann by name. Not bad, eh?

  1. […] not crazy like Mayhem Miller or the Ultimate Warrior. He’s not even like Jacob Volkmann. But we just busted Brown’s balls for trying to tell us the guy he just decimated—Mike […]

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