Whaaaat? We got transcripts from the Roy Nelson/UFC negotiations?

Posted: July 30, 2013 in Commentary/Opinion, Rumors
Tags: ,

danaroyIs Roy Nelson paranoid or is Dana really out to get him?

Nelson recently re-signed with the promotion and will face Daniel Cormier at UFC 166. However, the word from UFC brass (aka Dana White) hinted that the negotiations were less than a walk in the park with birds singing and butterflies landing gently on the nose. Nope, Dana said that he had an “awesome” time re-negotiating. Let me translate for those  of you who are not fluent in my native tongue of sarcasm…I had an “awesome” time means it was such a pain in my ass that I came to the table with a butt donut and brand new tube of hemorrhoid cream. Here’s a dramatization of how we believe the contract negotiations may have went down:

Dana: Okay Roy, we got the 5 Pizza Hut meat lovers pizzas, two liters of Diet Coke and three orders of honey BBQ hot wings you asked for.

Roy:  I asked for crazy bread too, just one order of crazy bread. Is that too much to ask after all I have done for this organization? All those performances and you stiff me on my crazy bread?

Dana: Crazy bread comes from fuckin’ Little Cesar’s Roy not Pizza Hut! I’m not ordering from two damn different pizza places. You know that’s bullshit, demanding crazy bread when you lost your last fight. If you had taken care of Miocic I would have bought the fuckin’ crazy bread but you didn’t Roy. You lost and you are lucky you are getting shit from me right now. Let’s get this over with.

Roy:  Why are you always picking on me? Yelling at me over crazy bread, never giving me a title shot…

Dana: Never giving you a title shot? You have to earn that shit Roy unless your name is Jake Shields or Miesha Tate you have to earn it Roy! Dammit Roy, I’ve fed you matches to put you in the #1 contender spot and you lost them all. Does the name Junior Dos Santos ring a bell? If you had beat Junior we may could have possibly gave you the title shot. Now I’m giving you this Cormier fight if you sign the damn contract and stop acting like a teenager crying in your shrinks office about how much your daddy doesn’t love you.

Roy:  If you keep yelling at me, I’m going home. I gave you the terms Dana and I even printed a coupon for you. It appears as if negotiations have broken down.

Dana:  Okay, fine! The heavyweight division is becoming as boring as watching curling at the Olympics. I’ll get the damn crazy bread, now check the yes box and sign the fuckin’ contract.

Roy: See, was that so hard? I want ranch dipping sauce to go with that crazy bread by the way. Consider it my signing bonus.

Dana:  Geez Roy, why don’t you just ask for a romantic night with my labradoodle? You got sauce on the contract, use a napkin Roy. Thanks to you Roy, I will never buy another fighter a pizza again, not until I change my mind and Ronda asks for a thin crust.

This has been a dramatization.  If it had been the real transcript of the contract negotiation, it would have been less entertaining and contain more F bombs.


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