How to deliver an embarrassing main event in 35 seconds or less

Posted: June 2, 2014 in Commentary/Opinion

3-finaleHere’s a trivia question for all the fans out there. What’s the best way to make a mockery of a main event of a shitty card? WRONG! That was a trick question, because there are several steps needed to make that happen.

  • Joe Silva should develop a serious crack addiction
  • You could pit a beastly heavyweight on the verge of stardom against an unranked, undersized LHW boxer who should be fighting at 185.
  • The guy who should be fighting at MW should balloon up to 225 pounds by eating a lot of donuts and Pringles
  • The UFC should hold a gun to highly respected commentator Brian Stann’s head and force him to tell us that this is a legit fight that causes real problems for the favorite
  • The underdog should spend most of his time NOT in the gym, but in front of a microphone spewing clichés like “this will be a war” and “I’m prepared to die in the cage.”
  • The guy who should be fighting at MW should start the fight by throwing two or three slow-motion punches that don’t even come close to landing
  • The announcers should tell us those punches (that didn’t land) were delivered with the ferocity of a young Mike Tyson.
  • The underdog should crumble after just one punch and cover his face like a frightened child closing his eyes at a scary movie.
  • The guy who should be fighting at MW should then look stunned when the bigger guy backs off rather than go for the finish.
  • The underdog should then fall to the canvas on the next solid punch and lay there until the ref rips the bigger off.

This whole fight was an embarrassment. Every article analyzing this fight is also an embarrassment. There’s no reason to discuss Miocic’s strategy or Madlonado’s gameplan. This fight was always a joke and it did nothing to help Miocic or the UFC.

All we learned in this fight is that legitimate heavyweight contenders can destroy out-of-shape, undersized, unranked, outclassed fighters who’s biggest wins have come against guys like Gian Villante and James McSweeney. Who knew???

  1. Hetty says:

    I told my kids we’d play after I found what I needde. Damnit.

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